Thanks For The Feedback

Jason got his essay returned to him with several corrections and suggestions written by the teacher in red ink. He got a ‘B-’ on the assignment. He was hoping for an ‘A’.Katherine was giving a presentation at work and she noticed Lilly spent most of the time distracted by her phone and not listening to what was said. Afterward, Katherine’s boss told her how much she appreciated all the hard work Katherine had put into the presentation.Doug made dinner for his family but his youngest son refused to eat it saying that it tasted “yucky” and demanded to have Mac ‘N Cheese instead.Jackson told his wife how much he liked his wife’s new hairdo.Marita told her husband that she feels alone in the relationship and that she thinks her husband is always preoccupied with his job.

Feedback is all around us. Each and every day we face a barrage of feedback, both wanted and unwanted. Some of it is flat-out wrong, while others can be spot-on. There’s no avoiding feedback. We simply have the choice of how we respond to it.

In their book, “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well,” Doug Stone and Shelia Heen offer an empowering message to all of us who receive feedback daily. Not all feedback is created equal, but we can learn how to best respond to it and even grow from it.

We receive feedback in these various ways: Appreciation (Jackson letting his wife know how much he likes her new haircut). Coaching (Jason’s teacher providing constructive criticism on how to improve his essay). Or evaluation, (Marita sharing how she currently feels alone in her marriage).

Regardless of the type of feedback shared it always elicits an emotional response from us. While Katherine was pleased to receive the encouraging words from her boss after the presentation, she felt a pang of dread when she noticed Lilly with her head down staring at her phone and ignoring the presentation. Should Katherine weigh the feedback she received from her boss and her coworker equally? Should she judge her presentation a success because her boss liked it? Or a failure because her coworker appeared disinterested in it?

We would benefit from developing a discernment on how we accept feedback from various sources. The young child who would be happy to eat nothing but Mac ‘N Cheese is not the best critic on whether the dinner cooked by Doug is well-made and nutritious. Jason would be wise not to dismiss his teacher’s comments on his essay. If taken to heart he could stand to develop his writing skills and get a better grade on the next assignment.

If feedback is given from a reliable source, we can learn so much about ourselves from it. Even if it’s painful feedback to receive. The reality is, you are not all-knowing. Not even about yourself. There are things that exist in your blind spots, and sometimes feedback takes those things and puts them right in front of our eyes. How do you receive that feedback? Are you quick to dismiss the feedback as false and ignore what was presented? If so, the growth you may long for in your relationships, work, and personal life may seem to be always elusive.

So what can help us receive feedback and respond to it more effectively? First, do nothing. Avoid the temptation to make a snap judgment that is rooted in your emotional response. Doing nothing also allows you the time to consider the source, and if it could be accurate or if it needs to be filed away as false. But if it is determined to be truthful and from a trusted source, be open to accepting that this is providing you with valuable information about yourself. Don’t beat yourself up, but look for opportunities for growth. Are there practical changes you can make? What could possibly improve if you made these changes? Can you experiment with making one change for a week? A month?

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” – Proverbs 12:15

A trusted resource who can provide you with honest feedback is invaluable. The feedback you receive may not always be easy to receive, but it can be incredibly beneficial. It may be the difference between foolishness and wisdom.